the infamous mind attack destroyed

when the routine of ‘life’ seem to take whole of your life, you start to search for this essense. and this essense seems to give some meaning. you wonder, you think about it and you tell yourself "it’s okay, i am done with it". yet, and the truth, if there ever was the truth, is (it lingers on). the troubled sensation is your whole life, and you try to compensate with another thought, another activity, another passion, something, just seomthing to take "this" pain away. and you realise that you can never really escape this ‘life’. so you give in, you conform to yourself and the mystery forces. and this is how we trap ourself. i salute to this thing we know as ‘life’, it is truly the best alienating experience. you get first class every time.

to those out there, who believed, who are caught but refused to be part off, who fight and fight against ‘life’ for life. you know time is running up. i think ‘life’ is too big to fight against. and most people are caught in it with a few controling it who are also caught in it. idiots!

what can i say?

so where do we escape to this time? what is the next solution. when do we wait for another problem? the question is what other problem do we create for the future when the only problem is our problem. 

 

and someone, some being, something, or some force, take me now, take me to another dimension and another plain, kill me now, i belong here not. may my ‘life’ cease for a peace of mind. it is hopeless to hope.

before you read on, i have tell you this is a complaint. yes i am filling a complaint and filing for future purposes.

 

 the days are moving, well time seems to be moving but i, i am still.

it’s hard to describe, but perhaps i do not belong to this perceived time

so where has my time gone? what is my time? i do not know

perhaps i do feel it, do i know? well, ah, hmmm

i feel it, my vocabulary and sentence constructs or expression could not articulate it 

i feel like i’m going in the wrong kind of circle, i feel alone in this circle

there are people but i don’t know what to say

who are they? i do not know

i find it hard to adjust, adjusting, mask changing, it is an absurd identity crisis!

it is restricting, the idea of liberty seems more real, the concept seems to be true in this time, the American psycho way

i believe we are definitely doomed, but no one seem to care, and it is my perception, and i am feeling it

so, i was wondering to myself, well, well well, i really, that time is doomed and our individual time is up

ah, i am damn, and damn all "mankind"

this is frustration, indeed it is, and where is this going? someone would might read it, most people won’t, and it will be another day

another perception, another mind

and again i proved my self wrong… logically

this is a complaint after all 

 

future dreaming is selfish, self- preserving, it is pathetic, so maybe if you think your future dreaming is pathetic, then you have to change your ‘real’ life. that is so call future planning. ….i feel like knowing someone… maybe you… maybe not…. i dunno …te..hmm..so i’d reached out to safe myself….

you future dream to forget something, why? for myself? to dwell? why? ‘maybe i must be tired or something’

it is pathetic!! to…to future dream

pipe dream… it is escapticism

there is a reason, the point is i’m here…. but why?  but because you are here, (do i have the right to ‘utilize’ you present ness for the benefit of myself) :that’s what friends do….i have apple in my teeth, i have to de-apple………..
….why is it okay to open the window to safe myself?   why not…? because….. there is a sense of preservation, for survival…but there are other ways…. ways that would not affect others, ways that is less self preserving, ways that the intention of selfishness is not present.  do i know what the ways are? yeah… but it is kinda hard…i am trying to re evaluate my illusory need to be a ‘perfect person being’ who are you to be the cool judger?? but it does feel some sort familiar and ‘normal’…… i don’t think i have any concept of positivity.. i think that is an illusion, why? why can’t those things have a general negativity, and there are some ‘positive’ things. it is just a lesser degree of the negative… it is relativism……… the me a i am do not think there is anything positive… that is construction that is no reality… i view life, existence itself is negative…. maybe that is reality maybe it is not…. too much expectation….. am i happy? may not be normality…. do i have to live these life everyday?? am i disturbing you? honestly? …… no?? concern……the concerns is concerning… but i’m always going to be concern….. it’s not humanity??  it is pathetic…. that my concerns is concerning for me…

word of wisdom… always…. i don’t want to want…. this want is driving me driving me crazy….. but I do not WANT to BE HAPPY…but i can have meaning in life without wanting to want in my life…………………. i dunno…. ….. but i don’t WANT…….  i don’t care about "Survival" there must be another way!! there must be another way!  no, i want nothing from you, no there is nothing to want… and i know that…. no…. wait… maybe….

So what is the future dreaming: The Future Dreaming. Never dare to watch, because I am so damn scared when….

 

It is true that we repeat our mistakes over and over again, even though we have identified the ‘problem’ and consciously tries to ‘change’ it. But, we are stubborn, we are ignorant, we are naive, or we just want to be this way. Do we?do i really want to be like this?do you really want this to be like this? "yes, no, maybe, i don’t know, i don’t care, fuck off!" Regardless, we do repeat, react and reintend what is ‘undesirable’. However, some might say it is part of life, it is ‘normal’, it is ‘natural’, it is what it is to be human. So, what the fuck is ‘normal’, natural, and human? I don’t believe that i have seen anything natural or/and normal, it is definately human but nothing else, nothing more. Look around us, our environment, this ‘place’, the things we do, the things we have aqquired, the things we have learned, the things we know, the way we behave, the way we treat people, the way we think…How the fuck is that  ‘normal’ and ‘natural’?! (i apologize for my ignorance, but there are lies in truths; truths in lies.) (i know that sentences don’t seem to have a point but some might get it, some might understand what i intended to express or not… it does not matter)
 is life the root of all this problem then? If life means to change, means moving, means being, means affecting, then nothing is normal or/and natural. If life means nothing, then nothing really matter, things shall be the way it will be, then there will be no cycle, no repetition, no wanting, no ‘changing’, no desirable or undesirable…i think that is ‘wrong’ too… it is just words after all, it means nothing on its own, it means nothing to you! however, it will affect you someway or another, and it is because of my action, my intention. by posting ‘this’, by allowing random people to read this. i have contribute the cycle to continue on, my action will cntinue until it cease to be, but the action itself will remain, and affect others and….. ‘chain effect’……In a way then, my rants about our futile activities is part of the futile activities…  

 

have i done nothing then?… am i still trap…. am i still part of this thing call life? will i ever escape life and/or death… is there any point to search then…. do you even care? do you even care if i care? do you care even i don’t care but they care? do you even care if no one cares? do you think there is a point in caring and not caring and being cared and not being cared. so, we are monsters, we can’t see, mindless self-motivated beings….
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