the infamous mind attack destroyed

it has been a while and far away

i’m stuck in a drift

nor here or there

in hopes somehow in time

it releases me

work, time, love, passion

it’s becoming a meaningless routine

retreat, retreat, retreat, let me retreat for a while

give me some time

this is my apology without excuse

love, 

Here is the List.

before Time remove my memory, before work replace time, before i lose it.

- finish up capito-family relationship ("typical East/South East Asian syndrome")

- current "crime" issue in Malaysia. and a truly stupid Newspapers in Malaysia - the problem from the people and the government. who are the "criminals"? the people? government? and the "criminals"? what the "criminals"

- "crime" the issue gets complicated. xenophobia! racism! inferiority-complex! foreigners! wait! what foreigner? white = positive, others = ???           ( i have to say, racism in malaysia is really fucked UP!, i know, i know, it’s apparent else where, perhaps the "same", but it is not, you know it…….)

- 

if only i could tumble and look at the sky, but in the end we are children of the ruin. Cloned by the Infallible Juggernaut, we are wicked, we are wise, we are young, and the night stretches from spring to nothing. The day is accidental, we rule what we feel; we feel and rule. the flowers praise our existence, the sun hail at our knees. Nothing is going to stop us now, we run, we run, we were dashing through paper pastic scenary, we were charming, we were wild. our moments were gold, our touch revive, our speech enlights; we thought we could go forever. our fuel indistinguishable, we could not be seen, we could not see. we fall, we fall, in love with the wind, we fall, in love with our mistakes. we fall, we fall, all we could do is fall. our forever fall. our forever love, our forever charm, our forever laughter, forever we fall. we were truly wild.

 

future dreaming is selfish, self- preserving, it is pathetic, so maybe if you think your future dreaming is pathetic, then you have to change your ‘real’ life. that is so call future planning. ….i feel like knowing someone… maybe you… maybe not…. i dunno …te..hmm..so i’d reached out to safe myself….

you future dream to forget something, why? for myself? to dwell? why? ‘maybe i must be tired or something’

it is pathetic!! to…to future dream

pipe dream… it is escapticism

there is a reason, the point is i’m here…. but why?  but because you are here, (do i have the right to ‘utilize’ you present ness for the benefit of myself) :that’s what friends do….i have apple in my teeth, i have to de-apple………..
….why is it okay to open the window to safe myself?   why not…? because….. there is a sense of preservation, for survival…but there are other ways…. ways that would not affect others, ways that is less self preserving, ways that the intention of selfishness is not present.  do i know what the ways are? yeah… but it is kinda hard…i am trying to re evaluate my illusory need to be a ‘perfect person being’ who are you to be the cool judger?? but it does feel some sort familiar and ‘normal’…… i don’t think i have any concept of positivity.. i think that is an illusion, why? why can’t those things have a general negativity, and there are some ‘positive’ things. it is just a lesser degree of the negative… it is relativism……… the me a i am do not think there is anything positive… that is construction that is no reality… i view life, existence itself is negative…. maybe that is reality maybe it is not…. too much expectation….. am i happy? may not be normality…. do i have to live these life everyday?? am i disturbing you? honestly? …… no?? concern……the concerns is concerning… but i’m always going to be concern….. it’s not humanity??  it is pathetic…. that my concerns is concerning for me…

word of wisdom… always…. i don’t want to want…. this want is driving me driving me crazy….. but I do not WANT to BE HAPPY…but i can have meaning in life without wanting to want in my life…………………. i dunno…. ….. but i don’t WANT…….  i don’t care about "Survival" there must be another way!! there must be another way!  no, i want nothing from you, no there is nothing to want… and i know that…. no…. wait… maybe….

So what is the future dreaming: The Future Dreaming. Never dare to watch, because I am so damn scared when….

 

It is true that we repeat our mistakes over and over again, even though we have identified the ‘problem’ and consciously tries to ‘change’ it. But, we are stubborn, we are ignorant, we are naive, or we just want to be this way. Do we?do i really want to be like this?do you really want this to be like this? "yes, no, maybe, i don’t know, i don’t care, fuck off!" Regardless, we do repeat, react and reintend what is ‘undesirable’. However, some might say it is part of life, it is ‘normal’, it is ‘natural’, it is what it is to be human. So, what the fuck is ‘normal’, natural, and human? I don’t believe that i have seen anything natural or/and normal, it is definately human but nothing else, nothing more. Look around us, our environment, this ‘place’, the things we do, the things we have aqquired, the things we have learned, the things we know, the way we behave, the way we treat people, the way we think…How the fuck is that  ‘normal’ and ‘natural’?! (i apologize for my ignorance, but there are lies in truths; truths in lies.) (i know that sentences don’t seem to have a point but some might get it, some might understand what i intended to express or not… it does not matter)
 is life the root of all this problem then? If life means to change, means moving, means being, means affecting, then nothing is normal or/and natural. If life means nothing, then nothing really matter, things shall be the way it will be, then there will be no cycle, no repetition, no wanting, no ‘changing’, no desirable or undesirable…i think that is ‘wrong’ too… it is just words after all, it means nothing on its own, it means nothing to you! however, it will affect you someway or another, and it is because of my action, my intention. by posting ‘this’, by allowing random people to read this. i have contribute the cycle to continue on, my action will cntinue until it cease to be, but the action itself will remain, and affect others and….. ‘chain effect’……In a way then, my rants about our futile activities is part of the futile activities…  

 

have i done nothing then?… am i still trap…. am i still part of this thing call life? will i ever escape life and/or death… is there any point to search then…. do you even care? do you even care if i care? do you care even i don’t care but they care? do you even care if no one cares? do you think there is a point in caring and not caring and being cared and not being cared. so, we are monsters, we can’t see, mindless self-motivated beings….
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